Finding Love During Lockdown?

Single?

What does quarantine mean for the dating world?

Three years ago, many nights were spent like this:

Social media stalking ex-flames.

Going down a rabbit hole of contemplating mistakes and ‘what if's’

Find an Instagram feed of a picture-perfect happily married couple

Envy how cute they are, how much fun/adventure/love they share

Decide I need to do more, be more, live differently

Cue spiral of ‘oh-my-god, am I ever going to find my person?!’

We’ve all been there.

Don’t let this be you.

Social isolation means a lot more time, well, alone. While this can stir up and exacerbate a lot of emotions, it’s also a perfect time to get curious. To pause, take a step back, investigate our feelings, and get clear with what we want.

Have you found yourself in relationships that tend to end the same way?

Or perhaps there is a ‘turning point’ that you consistently reach at the seven-month mark?

There has never been a better time to focus on yourself, free from what I call ‘distraction dating.’

Grab out a piece of paper and begin to recall every relationship you’ve had. Going through one by one, ask yourself: what were the qualities that attracted me to that person? What were the aspects that I didn’t like?

Write them down. The ‘good’, the ‘bad’, the downright embarrassing. Be honest with yourself. When you’re finished, look back and try to notice if any patterns emerge. Sometimes, though they may initially appear very distinct from one another, similarities exist in the type of partners we’re attracting. If not a personality trait, perhaps there is a recurring relationship dynamic (e.g. a power imbalance resulting in a paternal/maternal dynamic, etc.)? What comes up for you?

I tried this exercise several years ago after a string of relationships that ended the same way. It was clear that something wasn’t working, and I was the only identifiable throughline. Until I wrote everything out. Despite differences in backgrounds, ages, cultures, professions, and personality types - every person I was choosing possessed an ‘intensity’ about them.

This revelation helped me understand why I wasn’t getting what I wanted. My need for adoration, and an immediate relief from the anxiety that accompanies showing up to yet another dinner as the only ‘single friend’ took precedence over the core values that I wanted in a partner. It was only in viewing my dating history collectively that I was able to make these associations, and in turn, adjust my decisions.

So before you send that text or spend another minute or precious energy engaging that woman or man you intuitively know isn’t your person, embrace the lesson of this societal moment and pause.

Get to know you. What do you want? What makes you feel good?

By learning more about ourselves, we can begin to construct the reality and relationship that exceeds even the most well-curated, picturesque couple-y Instagram page. And that, my friends, is one way to find love during lockdown.

Questions, thoughts, feedback?

I’d love to hear from you!

Connect@katemcqueenla.com