Believing is Seeing

We do not see the world as it is, but as we are.

Said differently, we see what we believe.

Our interpretations of what we experience shape our beliefs and color our perception. What we’ve come to know about ourselves, the world, the things we accept and perpetuate with our expectations all create our reality. Einstein famously said that “it is the theory that decides what we observe”. Decades of study later, findings in neuroscience to support what Einstein knew intuitively. Thinking is subjective, and personal ideas and theories distort what we observe.

In fact, we only see that which confirms our beliefs, in turn re-affirming them and reinforcing deeply grooved neural pathways. This tendency, known broadly as cognitive bias, gives us insight into why two people can experience the exact same event and yet have completely different recollections of what transpired. To illustrate this point, below is an incident that occurred between my partner and me last month:

Feeling completely blissed out after a 60-minute yoga class, I noticed that my partner was visibly upset as we were walking out of the studio. “What’s wrong?” I inquired, to which he rolled his eyes and continued ahead of me towards the car, now nearly marching. Bewildered, I insisted we talk before starting the car.

“That was embarrassing, Kate. Everyone was staring at me, and you even laughed. I know I’m not flexible, and was a sweaty mess, but you mocking didn’t help.”

My confusion quickly shifted to shock. I didn’t recall looking at him, much less noticing his form. We explored the details a little more, and it turns out I did laugh at one point. During one of the arm balances, I fell over. He didn’t notice, fixated in his own story. I laughed at myself for being distracted before resigning to a child’s pose.

Getting curious, rather than defensive or combative, altered the course of our conversation. The insights we both gained, as a result, have proven invaluable in deepening our understanding of ourselves, one another, and how we interact.

A classic study illustrates this phenomenon further. Participants are asked to watch a clip of people dribbling and passing a basketball, some wearing white shirts and others wearing black. Their directive was to count the number of passes the team wearing white makes during a one minute period. During the clip, a person in a gorilla suit crosses the floor, turns and beats his chest, then exits. What the researchers found was startling. Consistently, 50% of people failed to notice the gorilla altogether.

This “inattentional blindness” is our brain working to construct meaningful and consistent narratives from an inconsistent world. Our brains don’t like dissonance. Things that don’t fit the storyline get unconsciously edited, or, simply fail to register as relevant.

What does this mean for love and relationships?

We are blinded by our own conditioned expectations. Remaining open to other perspectives and flexible in your thinking is the greatest opportunity for growth and change. When a partner disagrees or challenges your position, experience or opinion, get curious. About where their inquiry is coming from, as well as the reactions it brings up in you. By approaching a conversation this way, we create space for new thinking. Examining our own assumptions, which might even be unconscious, illuminates blind spots. New insights can shift in perspective and in effect, change our reality.

Stay curious, lovers.

Xx